tiekowalker

tieko im sorry im so bad :(

i know u say im not bad and that u accept my apologys always but i still say sorry. u mean so much to me omg and ur one person i really really dont want to walk away from my life but i annoy u so easily or i get angry so easily or make u angry and it annoys me too becos i know how im capable to ruin everything and its the last thing i want to happen!!!! i will probly still always get mad when u leave me at icq but i still know u always come back for me becosur so good person and u dont ever leave me yet. thanku for be so good to me and always come back even when i do so bad things to angry make u!!! i appreciate every minutes u choose to talk to me instead of doing other things that are so much better in ur life, u make me happy and feel confidunte when i know even thouh im just a 14 year boy and ur a adult u always respect me and treat me like im on the same level as u and that is how i wish everyone can treat someone so thanku for be the best friend to me like this and not judge me . all the things i telled u do u never judge me for it! u always accept that its just me and just how i am and thanku so much for never try to make me think less of myself. thanku so much tieko for everything!!!!!!!!!! i always miss u when ur not online!!! but hopefully when u need to sleep or go to school i learn to function away from u :P stay who u are tieko :) :)

Мищья і Аликзандрйя

with my favourite cousin ^^ the blog title in russian becos i upload the photos with her computer becos its all on her computer but it only has a russian keyboard and i cbf to keep copy and pasting english letters from the internets xp but now i use my computer to edit the blog i can write^^ most of these photos are old ones she show me :) from when i visit in belarusia and only the last 4 pictures are current pictures and as u can see we are much cooler now :p happy christmas ppl!!! ♥

today?

As long as you stand by my side in your shadow i can shine.

maybe this time...

♥

I have not since 12 days ago eaten something. In 5 days it is Christmas. I will go to Polend at monday and that is only 36 hours from now. i dont heal in 36 hours. christmas dinner is supossed to be special dinner. please dont get mad if i cant eat at christmas dinner granma :'(

mamiiiiiiii <3

tęsknię :'(

kocham cię całym sercem.

when hospital becomes ur home

Everything so simple, so white and clean and sterile. nothing is messy, nothing is personal, and u have no secrets. when u have lists on ur bed and lists on ur door state every single thing that is wrong with ur body and ur mind and all the reasons ur there. all the drugs u must take, all the drugs u cant take. what methods of disipline they can use and who ur supervisors are here. who controls u and who holds ur puppet steering-piece. these lists haunt u becos they are always here and u will never get away from them. u can never feel like ur achieving when there is always so much proving how wrong u are.

No u have no idea. Fuck off.

Just a anorexic ranty :/ i dont know where it comes from. i think its being in this pattern of being ill lately where i wake up and cant keep my stomach in. brush my teeth, sit down again. then get up again and run to the sink and throw up again. then brush my teeth, cringing at the aching inside me where im so so empty and u feel how ur muscles have pushed so hard and now they just feel heavy around ur empty organs. but then it happens again and everythings so dizzy and i feel like i will never get better. being in this state at the moment makes it so easy to think back to where i was a year ago.This is an email i recieve one year ago today. Without the green writing becos i write that myself becos i hate to get a email like this. I know it is so good thing for the person to do that they write me this whole mail but they cant get it. No one can get it unless ur here with me in this mindset. its not so bad anymore becos i get so used to eating every day. Eating every day and hating it but accepting it. Accepting that i have done it and that i cant change what i did today, only change what i will do tomorrow. but when u eat 30 days in a row it feels like u will never end. But u dont give up on urself. theres still this picture in ur mind that ur smiling waiting to be and u say "its ok becos i wont eat tomorrow and once im in anorexic patterns again everything will be fine." but its so hard falling back into these anorexic patterns after u have climbed out of them :(

its so sad realising how hard u try to be anorexic when some ppl act like it is not a choice. its always ur choice to start. u cant do it unintentionally. but its a disorder too! becos once uve realised what ur doing, u cant keep these thouhts out of ur mind anymore and that is anorexia. when u spend every hour every day thinking about food and stressing about what u eated or how u will not eat at dinner or making a plan and working out when u will be skinny and when u will reach certain goals. its anorexia when this lifestlye that u have decided to take on yourself of not eating, becomes out of control and u cant take control of how ur thouhts and ur emotions meet anymore and something like eating a normal dinner is the reason u cry and stress all night, unable to fall asleep becos of those thouhts and worries that anorexia has filtered ur mind with.

but i know i said its not so bad anymore becos luckily i fell out of this pattern and lucky for me that its so hard to get into again. i dont think im going to relapse to anorexia.

ive never weighed more than 45kg in my life, ive never had a stretch mark, ive never been unable to see my ribs, ive never had a reason to feel fat but its the way i pushed myself into beliefing i could do better. and realising i can achieve it whish pushes u so harder.

i feel guilty when i shouldnt and i feel ashamed even when i look at myself and see that i look good. its something u cant control anymore and its for this that i know now that i will never be able to see out of this mind again now that ive seen into it. even if i dont live my life starving or hurting anymore, i will always be able to see this disease from the inside point of view. And its like that with the outsiders too, they can never understand. this guy who mails me and says that nothing is worth it. facts and science wont change my emotions and my feelings. how i feel! unless he goes throuh it he will never ever be able to see it in the same lights that someone who suffers sees it. ppl like this try to be compassionate but its really just insulting. u will never be able to understand what i am feeling unless uve been there urself.

im a polish boy to write like a polish boy

Czy nie zastanawiacie sie czasami jak prawdziwa jest ta chwila? Dzisiaj. Jedna sekunda temu. Jak można żyć drugi w tym obecnego czasu nie ujawniając się do życia, bo wtedy to tylko marnowanie go. Wszystkie te sekundy tak szybko przemija, to co wydawalo sie wazne 5 dni temu, dzisiaj jest tylko wspomnieniem, projekcja. Mam wrazenie ze trace kontakt z rzeczywistoscia, no bo czym ona tak naprawde jest?

Marzeniami mozna sie najesc. Nie ma roznicy pomiedzy ta chwila a snem.

Pobyt w Dessau byl dla mnie jak pstrykniecie palcami. Szybko minelo. Wyjezdzajac mialam wrazenie ze to mi sie snilo, ze to nie dzialo sie naprawde. Na dnie szafy, w moim starym pokoju zostaly prezenty dla znajomych, troche mi glupio. Z niektorymi osobami nie udalo mi sie spotkac. No, ale dostana za rok, albo kiedys tam. Widocznie nie zasluzyli ;)

Ostatnio kupilam sobie gretaest hits Lennona. Wy uwielbiam jego piosenki, jego teksty. Byl niesamowitym czlowiekiem. I znowu okazuje sie ze nie jestem przystosowana do rzeczywistosci caly czas mi cos nie pasuje, nie pasuje mi to ze ktos go zabil, dlaczego?? nie rozumiem, w glowie mi sie nie miesci. Nie pasuje mi ze istnieje cos takiego jak cierpienie, starch, niesprawiedliwosc, wojna. Pare tydzień temu ogladalismy w kliniky Pianiste - bardzo poruszajacy, wzruszajacy film. Wczesniej czytalismy komiks Maus. Ludzie moga byc tak okrutni. Czasem czuję się konflikt w mojej głowie, gdy pomyślę, jak jestem polskim życia chłopca w Niemczech. Wiem, że moja rodzina ma tych części w ich umysłach, że nie może mi powiedzieć, aby zapisać argumenty. Jestem nie czuję, jak niemiecki strażnik może zabić w ciągu dnia w obozie koncentracyjnym, a następnie wrócić do domu z pracy, które mają być kochający ojciec. Jak to mozliwe ze moze sie w czlowieku zebrac tyle nienawisci, tyle zeby spowodowac ze bedzie zdolny zabijac? Kto to wymyslil? Jest wiele rzeczy ktore budza we mnie niepokoj. No ale trzeba z tym zyc. Zrozumiec cos, co nie ma sensu i przy tym wszystkim zachowac spokoj.