No u have no idea. Fuck off.

Just a anorexic ranty :/ i dont know where it comes from. i think its being in this pattern of being ill lately where i wake up and cant keep my stomach in. brush my teeth, sit down again. then get up again and run to the sink and throw up again. then brush my teeth, cringing at the aching inside me where im so so empty and u feel how ur muscles have pushed so hard and now they just feel heavy around ur empty organs. but then it happens again and everythings so dizzy and i feel like i will never get better. being in this state at the moment makes it so easy to think back to where i was a year ago.This is an email i recieve one year ago today. Without the green writing becos i write that myself becos i hate to get a email like this. I know it is so good thing for the person to do that they write me this whole mail but they cant get it. No one can get it unless ur here with me in this mindset. its not so bad anymore becos i get so used to eating every day. Eating every day and hating it but accepting it. Accepting that i have done it and that i cant change what i did today, only change what i will do tomorrow. but when u eat 30 days in a row it feels like u will never end. But u dont give up on urself. theres still this picture in ur mind that ur smiling waiting to be and u say "its ok becos i wont eat tomorrow and once im in anorexic patterns again everything will be fine." but its so hard falling back into these anorexic patterns after u have climbed out of them :(

its so sad realising how hard u try to be anorexic when some ppl act like it is not a choice. its always ur choice to start. u cant do it unintentionally. but its a disorder too! becos once uve realised what ur doing, u cant keep these thouhts out of ur mind anymore and that is anorexia. when u spend every hour every day thinking about food and stressing about what u eated or how u will not eat at dinner or making a plan and working out when u will be skinny and when u will reach certain goals. its anorexia when this lifestlye that u have decided to take on yourself of not eating, becomes out of control and u cant take control of how ur thouhts and ur emotions meet anymore and something like eating a normal dinner is the reason u cry and stress all night, unable to fall asleep becos of those thouhts and worries that anorexia has filtered ur mind with.

but i know i said its not so bad anymore becos luckily i fell out of this pattern and lucky for me that its so hard to get into again. i dont think im going to relapse to anorexia.

ive never weighed more than 45kg in my life, ive never had a stretch mark, ive never been unable to see my ribs, ive never had a reason to feel fat but its the way i pushed myself into beliefing i could do better. and realising i can achieve it whish pushes u so harder.

i feel guilty when i shouldnt and i feel ashamed even when i look at myself and see that i look good. its something u cant control anymore and its for this that i know now that i will never be able to see out of this mind again now that ive seen into it. even if i dont live my life starving or hurting anymore, i will always be able to see this disease from the inside point of view. And its like that with the outsiders too, they can never understand. this guy who mails me and says that nothing is worth it. facts and science wont change my emotions and my feelings. how i feel! unless he goes throuh it he will never ever be able to see it in the same lights that someone who suffers sees it. ppl like this try to be compassionate but its really just insulting. u will never be able to understand what i am feeling unless uve been there urself.

im a polish boy to write like a polish boy

Czy nie zastanawiacie sie czasami jak prawdziwa jest ta chwila? Dzisiaj. Jedna sekunda temu. Jak można żyć drugi w tym obecnego czasu nie ujawniając się do życia, bo wtedy to tylko marnowanie go. Wszystkie te sekundy tak szybko przemija, to co wydawalo sie wazne 5 dni temu, dzisiaj jest tylko wspomnieniem, projekcja. Mam wrazenie ze trace kontakt z rzeczywistoscia, no bo czym ona tak naprawde jest?

Marzeniami mozna sie najesc. Nie ma roznicy pomiedzy ta chwila a snem.

Pobyt w Dessau byl dla mnie jak pstrykniecie palcami. Szybko minelo. Wyjezdzajac mialam wrazenie ze to mi sie snilo, ze to nie dzialo sie naprawde. Na dnie szafy, w moim starym pokoju zostaly prezenty dla znajomych, troche mi glupio. Z niektorymi osobami nie udalo mi sie spotkac. No, ale dostana za rok, albo kiedys tam. Widocznie nie zasluzyli ;)

Ostatnio kupilam sobie gretaest hits Lennona. Wy uwielbiam jego piosenki, jego teksty. Byl niesamowitym czlowiekiem. I znowu okazuje sie ze nie jestem przystosowana do rzeczywistosci caly czas mi cos nie pasuje, nie pasuje mi to ze ktos go zabil, dlaczego?? nie rozumiem, w glowie mi sie nie miesci. Nie pasuje mi ze istnieje cos takiego jak cierpienie, starch, niesprawiedliwosc, wojna. Pare tydzień temu ogladalismy w kliniky Pianiste - bardzo poruszajacy, wzruszajacy film. Wczesniej czytalismy komiks Maus. Ludzie moga byc tak okrutni. Czasem czuję się konflikt w mojej głowie, gdy pomyślę, jak jestem polskim życia chłopca w Niemczech. Wiem, że moja rodzina ma tych części w ich umysłach, że nie może mi powiedzieć, aby zapisać argumenty. Jestem nie czuję, jak niemiecki strażnik może zabić w ciągu dnia w obozie koncentracyjnym, a następnie wrócić do domu z pracy, które mają być kochający ojciec. Jak to mozliwe ze moze sie w czlowieku zebrac tyle nienawisci, tyle zeby spowodowac ze bedzie zdolny zabijac? Kto to wymyslil? Jest wiele rzeczy ktore budza we mnie niepokoj. No ale trzeba z tym zyc. Zrozumiec cos, co nie ma sensu i przy tym wszystkim zachowac spokoj.

,,Depression is one of the cruelest of all illnesses. The thing about depression is it blurs your perception of the future and makes it nearly impossible to see the end. You start to think that there’s no such thing as ‘winning’ and why bother fighting if you already know the outcome. It slowly strips you of any hope you used to have. And without hope, it’s difficult to see a future or a reason to fight. But I now know there is hope. There are people willing to help, and I don’t have to waste the rest of my life with an empty heart full of despair. I used to push away happiness, but now I embrace it. I now have control over my life and through it all I know it has made me a much stronger person. I have learned to live life for today; I don’t worry about the past or the future. Every day is a new day, a fresh start.''

^ this is not how i feel. I want more than probly anything, to say this paragraph one day and truly mean it. The first half is everything i feel and the second half is everything i dream of feeling. I know there are ppl who will help and i dont want to sad forever be. i know all this but i still cant pass the wall depression built to trust myself to be happy. i still cant see then end of the black tunnel or belief it exist.

schaaatz

morgen mich heiratet :)

I'm sorry i always post photos of u... i know u dont mind but i know its so many. and u probly will be maybe angry when u see this photo :P when i see ur photos i want everyone to see it. i dont know how to just hold inside me it. ur so so beutiful and everytime i look to u my body makes shivers becos i know ur my everything i want Iselin, ur my schatz. one and only ♥

lass uns laufen wenn die dunkelheit kommt....

Hier ist meiner Liste. Es ist wie wenn du schreiben das "about me" auf dein Profil. Was auf dir zutrifft? Was beschreibt deiner Leben? Da diese Liste ist mein Leben. Es gibt 26 Dinge auf ihm. Das 26 Fragen, die ich habe ist. Dies gilt nicht einmal zählen Krankheiten, körperliche Erkrankungen oder Verletzungen. Dies ist nur das, was in meinem Kopf gespeichert wird. Meine emotionalen Störungen oder das, was in meiner Vergangenheit passiert sind, dass mein Geist funktioniert in der Hinsicht tut. Die Liste liegt in meinem Ordner, in Rostock, meine Datei in das Krankenhaus, an meine Tür angezeigt. Es ist immer da, immer um mich herum, beschreiben mich ohne meine Wahl.

1. Depressionen
2. Angstzustand/Anxeiten
3. Schwierigkeiten mit Akademisch
4. Schuleproblemen
5. Gesundheitproblemen
6. Essproblemen
7. Peerproblemen
8. Trauma
9. Familienkonflikt
10. Scheidungproblemen
11. Selbstverletzungen
12. Essgestörte
13. Trennungsangst
14. Phobien
15. Selbstwertgefühlproblemen
16. Angst vor dem Verlassenwerden
17. Probleme mit der Verbundenheit
18. Posttraumatische Belastungsstörung
19. Selbstunsicher-vermeidende Persönlichkeitsstörung
20. Alkohol-Abhängigkeit
21. Panikattacke
22. Schlafstörungen im Zusammenhang mit Atmung
23. Geschichte von Schlafentzug als Kind
24. Geschichte von Sexueller Missbrauch als Kind
25. Geschichte von Seelische Missbrauch als Kind
26. Geschichte von Körperliche Missbrauch als Kind

26 ist mein Geburtstag. Es sollte meine Glückszahl. Der Tag, dass Gott hat als mein Geburtstag. 26 sollte die wichtigste Zahl in meinem Leben. 26 ist die wichtigste Zahl in meinem Leben, denn wenn ich nicht diese 26 Fragen haben, dann würde ich in der Lage sein werden, ein normaler Junge im geistigen Sinne.

Was sage ich? Scheißegal? Es ist mir egal? Noch nicht; noch nie.

Wie kann Ich wie ich fühlen kann diese Probleme zu überwinden, wenn die Liste schaut mir so groß? Ihr hasst dass ich aufgeben habe, aber ich weiß schon, ich kann das nicht machen.

Ich will nicht aufgeben, vor allen, die an mich geglaubt aber ich weiß nicht wie ich das Gefühl, diese Dinge zu überwinden. Kam ich nach Rostock vor 75 Tagen, aber bisher habe ich nichts von meiner Liste angekreuzt. Ich fühle mich wie ich auf zwei oder drei Dinge, sondern so weit verbessert, habe ich vor nichts gekreuzt. Ich werde hier für Jahren werden. Ich seh nur Dunkelheit vor mir.

katsen

i find some beutiful kitten pictures :)

these are my two favourite kittens!! i want to meet these kittens one day!! so cute!!

i tell u why i like them. the first kitten looks shy becos it hides in the box and it looks shy from the camera. its crying and u can see in his face that he doesnt feel beutiful and for this reason he doesnt feel like he is good enouh for photographs. ppl tell him hes beutiful and he tries so hard to belief them and so hard to try and see the beuty in himself but he just cant do it. he feels like he wont ever be beutiful and that all these ppl theyre just liers to him!!

but when ppl look in this kitten they dont want him, they know there is prettier kittens to buy and they want the most pretty kittens. when u buy a kitten u only buy for its beuty!! u dont get to know the kitten and understand how there is so much more than just cute face and fur and tail and feet! each kitten is special but ppl dont care for that!! they dont care how sweet the kitten is, just choose the cutest kitten.

when i see 1000 pictures of a kitten my mind doesnt say to the pretty kitten "wow i love this one" my mind goes straiht to see this sad and shy little kitten who thinks he will never be choosed!! and to me he is the most beutiful becos u know he has been throuh so much and his life isnt easy so hes better than all the other pretty kittens who havent experience what he have!!

to me this kitten is just so beutiful!! :(

and the second kitten maybe yes this kitten its very cute u say but look in its eyes!!! look how sad this kitten is! this kitten is not happy it doent like the photo!! i can see exactly what the kitten feels becos ive been in this place!! the owner of the kitten wants photos of the kitten but the kitten its not comftorble making these photos but he has no choise, he has to do them!! u see in the sweet blue kitten eyes that hes NOT happy!!! hes so sad!! he doesnt want these photos and for his owner to do this and make this photos breaks him inside :'(

this kitten just wants to feel love and it wants to feel free but he feels that he will never get this freedom. hes pretty but he feels so ugly becos he realises that being pretty means u have a horrible life. if ur pretty ppl only want to use u and exploit u for what they want. they USE the kitten!! they make photos of him when he doesnt want them becos they think its fun. its NOT fun!!!!!!!! >:(

u hurt this beutiful kitten and now u make him feel so ashamed. u dont know what ur doing to his life when u just try to make fun for u by making him do these photos!!

leave these beutiful kittens alone!!!! :'(

they just want to be free and safe and be loved and feel beutiful but they cant say that becos they dont can talk!!! but if they could its not so much for them to ask :(

EMA

tonight i go to emas in berlin :)

im happy to go to berlin again. i am not properly there since 2008. when i only see inside Hauptbahnhof or inside Tegel is not like being out in the street seeing my city ♥

i just go for one night thouh. i go with Isa and we leave today morning 11 and with RE become in berlin with 2:00 afternoon. emas is not start until 8pm so we have time to see the city! Isa is from berlin too so she will see her family and her sister will come with us to emas in evening. seba is only in berlin one or two times before but he will not come today becos he is now in the clinic treated too strict and not allowed to leave until he pass the first goal :( its hard for him and soon he secret is cauht exercising this is how he continue to stay skinny. When they make him eat he runs for so long so the calories are all gone. but he said i buy him I ♥ BERLIN tshirt so i must go to Zoo Garten to buy this. It will be crazy to be in Zoo again and i wondering maybe i see someone i know! :o

but i think i wont meet anyone becos 4 years its a long time for these ppl to live.. :(

then we come back from emas late and i dont know what time the show will end but we just buy tickets for 12 midnight ICE and come back to Rostock with 2am morning then we sleeeeeep :D

i think today will be very good and busy but nice! :)

i can not be waiting so long until i see my mommy next week in berlin too!! and Janeeek :)

then after berlin we go to dessau and i can see my angel again Iselin♥. I wait sooo to kiss ur cheks and hold ur hands again. ur smile is all i think about now. so crazy in love with u... see u soon butterfly :)

♥