i'm a child anorexic

Today was good day. This is becos today was bad day.

I feeled panik and stress and fear and like im losing control of myself and dont know what to do and where i can go. Like the only thing that can keep my head in one piece is taking all the pills i need to take so that i dont fall apart; my head and my body too.

Im not allowed knifes anymore. They check what i bring to my room and what i bring into the clinic when i go out in the day. Becos i only came on a trust program for cutting, where they said they wont control me but the encourage me to learn to live without it becos to force me to stop would be easy to relapse. But now i cant do this anymore. I cut too big in my arm and too much blood came out. Its like when u split the skin so much even if it is not all, but then the cut is so big that the rest of the skin on ur arm just rips open too at the end becos the cut skin pulls it. i hate this. its gross when ur arm splits open and u can see all ur muslecs and everythings. fucking gross. and i want to throw up but if i throw up on my arm when its cut it would be so fucking infected and gross and end! so i cant do it.

But i get throuh it all and that is why this bad day means it is a good day. becos every bad day that i go throuh and i manage myself throuh, means i am one more day closer to be healed. its soooo small steps i take to this recovery but i am still get there slowly!!! Any little recoverys is better than one step backwards or no recoverys. i dont want to fall into relapse but sometimes its too hard. i forget that i am in a clinic where all the ppl around me also know what depression feels like or what it feels like when u cant force urself to eat anymore! im not alone here and thats why it was soo important that i live here.

at home in dessau i can feel alone becos there isnt always somewhere here! my mom and my brother is who i live with and the ppl i trust more than anyone ever!! but they cant always be there! my mom works so much so that we can still have money and my brother train so hard at his swimming so he can be better and then he can have money too! and then all fucking homework and to see his friends! its too much that i ask for him to be here always. but in rostock its always someone. since my surgerys i have to spend a lot of time in my bed or just in my room becos its not good to move my back so much becos the bones is healing and in my stomach too, if i move too much i coult rip the stitches so its best to stay in my room but when im in my room by myself i forget about the other ppl and i feel alone again. i dont like this alone feeling and it scares me when someone leaves. when there is no one here for me, when my ICQ list is all empty and i lie in my bed and just hear the owls.. alone is something i cant do :(

this is why they say it is a good idea for me that i have a shared room. I like my blue room and the bigger rooms are upstairs and they said i can go there now but i dont know yet if i will. if i share my room with seba i wont feel alone like i do now and he support me for when i dont feel like i can keep living. its a lot like this lately. i often feel a lot of pain from my surgeries and i have constantly pain medication becos its just so much but it makes me dizzy and it makes my moods funny :/

ive tried to hard to wiegh more but even when i try sooo fucking hard my body wont do it and my body wont get fat!! my bones wont disapere and i constantly see all my broken disgusting ribs when i fucking shower. so fucking sick i am.

but i have to get better!! i keep trying so hard! i cant give up to get better. now that they take my knives i feel like i have lost one control and i dont want to think about it becos when i sit and think of it i start to stress. i think of the control they have taken from my life. its good control becos now i can not make damage to myself with those knifes but it makes me feel like i am no more in charge :(

we watched today a documenty and i searched on youtube so anyone who wants can watch becos it was very good. we have classes here where we learn about nutirtion and we learn how anorexia fucks ur mind and all this shit and we watch films and stuff we see how it is in otehr places. this film is from britian about life for teenage eating clinic in britain so intersting to watch to compare but for u its good film to see how my life is in Rostock becos it is very here similiar.

It is a britian film but we watched in german but i fand the english splits but its not good becos two of them are the same piece and one has no sound so that sux. so maybe its better to just watch the german parts then and u can just listen without understand lool.

in english split one is here Boy Ana

and in german split one is here 3 magersüchtige Jungen

so if u want to educate urself of how it is live in eating clinic, here u watch :)

sorry i dont blog so much lately, its bad becos most of my day i spend in my room i shoult do something like writing when i am here so much :/ but i dont know becos i am so tired so much and the IV that is now always in my arm makes my head feel light and i feel unwell :(

for this it is difficult to get up from my bed and my body just feels too weak so i must sit again >_<>

i miss all u ppl, most of u i dont see for like 3 months now :/

but i appreciate u still care enouh to read and write on my blogs.

it means loit to me that u will do this and is much support for me and encourage to get better becos i want to show u how it is possimble and i can do it :)

i hope to see u pplz soon!!! mäxy ♥

untitled

i wrote a whole blog this evning but i deleted it all becos i realise that there was only one thing important from it. my feelings and my emotions and my thouhts and my fears really mean nothing when u face that with reality. the only thing important is the next paragraph becos it doesnt matter what i think or feel, it wont change what is going to happen.

all my usless body can ever do is fail and i cant fight science and i cant fight God! Not ever and not now. all i do now is just accept what i get becos he wrote my life like this for a reason and what happens to me is not just mistakes. my life is a mistake and he is punishing me.

Prognosis

The prognosis for bile duct cancer is poor. Bile duct cancer can only be cured if cancerous cells are limited to the bile duct, in which case some, or all, of the bile duct can be surgically removed.

However, most cases of bile duct cancer are only diagnosed after the cancer has spread beyond the bile duct by which time a cure in not usually achievable.

Only 5% of people with bile duct cancer will survive for five years or more after receiving their initial diagnosis. However, even if a cure is not achievable, treatments such as chemotherapy can help to control symptoms and improve quality of life.

soruce

meine :)

i want to be cute one day

maybe here is cute :3

maybe when i am happy again i can be cute....

i miss smiling...

<3

Samstag

I wasn't online for some days but i come to my schulervz and someone send me this picture. Its from a priveat meassage so i dont know who the sender its but if it is someone who reads my blog now, thanku becos even if it is hard for me to belief this message, to make through trouble to send this picture to me, it means that u belief it. So i say thanku for beliefing in me :)

I write my blog in english now maybe sometimes becos my cousins want to read since i dont see them and phone them so much as my german friends and when my cousines speak no german it is not fair!!! And also ist better for my friends not from germany who speak not german too, it is easier to understand me!! My english is only like all my german friends english so they sholt understand all ok i hope! I am the youngest from everyone so i sholt the most shit english have from all :P

The only person who can not read it now is my mother. If i write in german my cousins and my english friends cant read, but if i write for her in polish then my german and english friends also cant read!! But most ppl but my mom speaking english and she told me to write in english becos what i write in my blog does not so important for her matter. She said my blog its for ppl who cant contact me so good and ppl i dont talk to everyday so they know what goes up here. But my

mom i speak with her each day on telephone and she knows every detail more than i want to write on here, so what she would read here she already does know lool :P

I have a friend here Isa :)

she doesnt eat, just like me so she is easy for get-along with. The good thing here is that ppl are more understanding. Ur friends dont argue and harase u over eating. If we go into town and we go to a Bakerei and i say "i dont want to eat today" they wont make a fuss just hug me and say "dont worry mackze, just small steps will get u there" and buy me something little and alkaline.

But my friend Isa shes 15 and lives from Berlin. This is cool becos from when i used to live in Berlin, i can remember things what she talks about and there is pictures in my head when she says "Alexplatz" or makes a joke about Kreuzberg.

She has a very expenisive camera and is also very good to making photos. She always asks if she can make a photo of me becos she said im too pretty to be forgotten but i wont let her do it yet. I cant let ppl take photos of me and especially not my face becos im not strong enouh for this yet

to take my hands from in front of my face when someone takes out their camera.

She knows how to do lots with production and she asked if she can take photos of my scars and make it emotive photography as a series. I know she wont do it to hurt me or do it to show ppl how disgusting i really am. I know she only does it to try new things with photography and if it will mean she learns more or can become better at something she loves doing, then it is not such a big deal from me is it?
I just dont know if im ready for it yet. Its been too many years that i have hidden from cameras and made myself feel everything but beutifule and i dont want that these photos hurt me all over again. I want to do it for her but i can feel that my heart wont take it :(

Lately its got better thouh. This phobia isnt so huge as it has been. I let ppl take photos when its not just me. When i have friends around me and i try to rember that the camera wont be there to hurt me this time.

Isa puts lot of photos from our clinic up. Becos its not so bad like it sounds here. Its not a sterilise and white scary building and its not an asylum. Her its a nice place where u feel happy and u feel safe becos the ppl around u only want to treat u well and help u to get better from stuff that has get u down in the past. Often we can go to partys. Becos theres ppl here who go to a normal school in the day, but spend the other time living at the clinic and so its not hard to make friends of ppl from outside the clinic who are from Rostock. I like the ppl here, the partys are fun and we have often theme where ppl dress up like this :)

In Dessau, a party is just about to get drunk and to get fucked by someone but here its not like that. U party to be with ur friends and to enjoy urself while u are still alive! It has been so many months since i have to hear "baby u look good, think u woult look better with my dick in ur mouth? Want to go?"

I am happy here and i feel like there isnt pressures i felt before.

I dont have to wake up any more every day knowing i have to go to a school where half of the ppl know that i suck dick or that i have scars on every skin on my thihs becos ppl show them videos or photos that i let ppl i trust, make a long time before now!
I miss my friends in Dessau but that life at school is something i never want to go back to! I thouht that would have to be how it is every day until i am old enouh to leave school and that i would get bullied and harased forever by ppl around me. But here its not like that! And my life doesnt have to be like that!! Im just human like everyone else and its not so much to ask that u can just treat me like im a equal!! That i breath and cry and feel just like everyone else can! I can get hurt just as easily as u can be hurt and u dont want me to hurt u so why do u think i want u to hurt me??

But it doesnt matter now! I dont have to go throuh that again. Here ppl let me start again and this time they let me live. They let me be free for the first time and allow that i can be happy

:3

I drawed this when i am in hospital. I wanted to scan to the computer my MRIs and xrays so i can show u how my body is right now but my mom said she doesnt want that i put stuff like that on my blog becos it is sad too look at. but i wanted to show so u know how it is so instead i drawed a picture. i tried to copy the xray so i get the right count of ribs and spines but there was too many spines so i got lazy and just drew it without counting the spines.

But this is also interesting becos my xray has u can see all the ribs i broke in april becos they are not healed together complettely and so on the xray there is brighter ink where the breaks are. but in my drawing i drew gaps but its not in real life gaps this big! just cracks now, but i drew it like this so it is easier to see.

So the blue is where each break is and u can see that in some ribs there is more than one break. The xray is from the back (u can see my shoulder bones) so u can see proprly where my spine all the breaks in my ribs are at the front but i just drawed them thisway so u can see it all in one picture!! On the right side u can see where there is a lot broken in one place becos this is where i hit the (bordstein) and so it shatered everything :( at the top there is purple ones but i forgot what the purple was supossed to mean :s (i remember now and this is the bones that came throuh my skin!! for this i have 3 marks on my chest) and the 3 purples and the blue is is where they broke into something called flail-chest where they are a free part from ur other ribs and it is very difficult to breath becos they often break into ur lungs and becos now they are not moving with ur other ribs when u do breath they are sitting on ur lungs, not eleveated like the other ribs. :/
Then at the bottom of my spine is where i have my fusions. The one in orange is the one i have already been completed. so where i have coloured two pieces of spine, it is now just one combined pice. The green is where the next fusion will be on 7st Dezember. It is likely that i will be in hospital for christmas but i dont worry so much becos at least i am in polend :)
The red part i draw is the infection. I shoult also have drawed in my stomach so u can see the releations but my stomach is just a bit higher than the infection becos the infection is in the bottom half of my stomach along the back (not inside it yet). And the drawing is stupid and not so easy to understand it becos it looks childish. but where i have drawed the red going into my spine, there is no longer there spine. That is why i did not draw the black outline like on the other spines. Everywhere where the red pen is in my spine, the infection eated all that bone.and so now there is just a hole and no bone there anymore :( but like i did say, it is hard to think of it when it is just a stupid kid drawing. the real MRI is so more sad to look at becos there is just no bone there anymore. Every other ppl have spines there but for me there is nothing, just bacteries :'(

I dont have an MRI from after they killed a lot of bacteries becos they did this over like two weeks and becos they monitored this every day they did not use MRI but ultrasound (lool i know :p) but for this they did not need to make pictures as i can not understand what is what in these pictures. but after two weeks the infection is less and that is very good. Becos even if u think the red is not so much it is!! becos all of that area is dead and this is so bad but lucky now it has less become. but it is not completely gone but enouh to just use pills to kill the infection instead or tubes in my stomach and tubes in my dick to drain the infection. (but i dont mean the infection is in my dick lool :p)

But i think i shoult stop writing now becos i write so much lool but now u can understand better how i go, and i go ok which is much more better than two weeks ago :)

Surgerie.

Alzo jetzt bin ich wieder in Rostock nach die Surgerie. Jederman wie lest die Blog viellleicht weiss shon was ist passiert und was hat falsch getun alzo ich wirde lest das nicht. Ich mochte zu viele uber schreiben weil ich so mude bin und ich schreibte shon ein blog nur jetzt. Aba bein Youtube sucht ich videos uber die Surgerie das ich hab getun und hier ist ein video was sagt alles dass in die Surgerie ist passiert.

ABA es ist ein kleine punkt unterschiedlich.

Die Madel in der Video hat ein Disorder ,,Scoliosis'' und dass ist wann deine Ruckgrat nicht gerade ist. ich habe Scoliosis NICHT, alzo mein Ruckgrat is doch gerade fur die meistens. Die Problem mit mein Ruckgrat war ein Infektion was hat meine Korper gegessen. Es isst viele von meine Ruckgrat; so viel das ich brauchte die Spondylodese zum machen alles gut also ich kann korrekt sitzen oder stehen und die Ruck wirde nicht zusammnbrechen.

Alzo der GRund fur meine Surgerie ist anders als die Madel bei Video, ABA die Surgerie ist doch der selbe! Beide Problemen sind von Sponylodese/Spinal fusion korrigiert und deshalb die Bilder und Worter sind was hat bei mein Surgerie passiert.

Alzo hier ales ist.

one time

For Iselin Aakre, hab dich ganz lieb Schatz. I love you...



♥