I feeled panik and stress and fear and like im losing control of myself and dont know what to do and where i can go. Like the only thing that can keep my head in one piece is taking all the pills i need to take so that i dont fall apart; my head and my body too.
Im not allowed knifes anymore. They check what i bring to my room and what i bring into the clinic when i go out in the day. Becos i only came on a trust program for cutting, where they said they wont control me but the encourage me to learn to live without it becos to force me to stop would be easy to relapse. But now i cant do this anymore. I cut too big in my arm and too much blood came out. Its like when u split the skin so much even if it is not all, but then the cut is so big that the rest of the skin on ur arm just rips open too at the end becos the cut skin pulls it. i hate this. its gross when ur arm splits open and u can see all ur muslecs and everythings. fucking gross. and i want to throw up but if i throw up on my arm when its cut it would be so fucking infected and gross and end! so i cant do it.
But i get throuh it all and that is why this bad day means it is a good day. becos every bad day that i go throuh and i manage myself throuh, means i am one more day closer to be healed. its soooo small steps i take to this recovery but i am still get there slowly!!! Any little recoverys is better than one step backwards or no recoverys. i dont want to fall into relapse but sometimes its too hard. i forget that i am in a clinic where all the ppl around me also know what depression feels like or what it feels like when u cant force urself to eat anymore! im not alone here and thats why it was soo important that i live here.
at home in dessau i can feel alone becos there isnt always somewhere here! my mom and my brother is who i live with and the ppl i trust more than anyone ever!! but they cant always be there! my mom works so much so that we can still have money and my brother train so hard at his swimming so he can be better and then he can have money too! and then all fucking homework and to see his friends! its too much that i ask for him to be here always. but in rostock its always someone. since my surgerys i have to spend a lot of time in my bed or just in my room becos its not good to move my back so much becos the bones is healing and in my stomach too, if i move too much i coult rip the stitches so its best to stay in my room but when im in my room by myself i forget about the other ppl and i feel alone again. i dont like this alone feeling and it scares me when someone leaves. when there is no one here for me, when my ICQ list is all empty and i lie in my bed and just hear the owls.. alone is something i cant do :(
this is why they say it is a good idea for me that i have a shared room. I like my blue room and the bigger rooms are upstairs and they said i can go there now but i dont know yet if i will. if i share my room with seba i wont feel alone like i do now and he support me for when i dont feel like i can keep living. its a lot like this lately. i often feel a lot of pain from my surgeries and i have constantly pain medication becos its just so much but it makes me dizzy and it makes my moods funny :/
ive tried to hard to wiegh more but even when i try sooo fucking hard my body wont do it and my body wont get fat!! my bones wont disapere and i constantly see all my broken disgusting ribs when i fucking shower. so fucking sick i am.
but i have to get better!! i keep trying so hard! i cant give up to get better. now that they take my knives i feel like i have lost one control and i dont want to think about it becos when i sit and think of it i start to stress. i think of the control they have taken from my life. its good control becos now i can not make damage to myself with those knifes but it makes me feel like i am no more in charge :(
we watched today a documenty and i searched on youtube so anyone who wants can watch becos it was very good. we have classes here where we learn about nutirtion and we learn how anorexia fucks ur mind and all this shit and we watch films and stuff we see how it is in otehr places. this film is from britian about life for teenage eating clinic in britain so intersting to watch to compare but for u its good film to see how my life is in Rostock becos it is very here similiar.
It is a britian film but we watched in german but i fand the english splits but its not good becos two of them are the same piece and one has no sound so that sux. so maybe its better to just watch the german parts then and u can just listen without understand lool.
in english split one is here Boy Ana
and in german split one is here 3 magersüchtige Jungen
so if u want to educate urself of how it is live in eating clinic, here u watch :)
sorry i dont blog so much lately, its bad becos most of my day i spend in my room i shoult do something like writing when i am here so much :/ but i dont know becos i am so tired so much and the IV that is now always in my arm makes my head feel light and i feel unwell :(
for this it is difficult to get up from my bed and my body just feels too weak so i must sit again >_<>
i miss all u ppl, most of u i dont see for like 3 months now :/
but i appreciate u still care enouh to read and write on my blogs.
it means loit to me that u will do this and is much support for me and encourage to get better becos i want to show u how it is possimble and i can do it :)
i hope to see u pplz soon!!! mäxy ♥
