This is an email i recieve one year ago today. Without the green writing becos i write that myself becos i hate to get a email like this. I know it is so good thing for the person to do that they write me this whole mail but they cant get it. No one can get it unless ur here with me in this mindset. its not so bad anymore becos i get so used to eating every day. Eating every day and hating it but accepting it. Accepting that i have done it and that i cant change what i did today, only change what i will do tomorrow. but when u eat 30 days in a row it feels like u will never end. But u dont give up on urself. theres still this picture in ur mind that ur smiling waiting to be and u say "its ok becos i wont eat tomorrow and once im in anorexic patterns again everything will be fine." but its so hard falling back into these anorexic patterns after u have climbed out of them :(its so sad realising how hard u try to be anorexic when some ppl act like it is not a choice. its always ur choice to start. u cant do it unintentionally. but its a disorder too! becos once uve realised what ur doing, u cant keep these thouhts out of ur mind anymore and that is anorexia. when u spend every hour every day thinking about food and stressing about what u eated or how u will not eat at dinner or making a plan and working out when u will be skinny and when u will reach certain goals. its anorexia when this lifestlye that u have decided to take on yourself of not eating, becomes out of control and u cant take control of how ur thouhts and ur emotions meet anymore and something like eating a normal dinner is the reason u cry and stress all night, unable to fall asleep becos of those thouhts and worries that anorexia has filtered ur mind with.
but i know i said its not so bad anymore becos luckily i fell out of this pattern and lucky for me that its so hard to get into again. i dont think im going to relapse to anorexia.
ive never weighed more than 45kg in my life, ive never had a stretch mark, ive never been unable to see my ribs, ive never had a reason to feel fat but its the way i pushed myself into beliefing i could do better. and realising i can achieve it whish pushes u so harder.
i feel guilty when i shouldnt and i feel ashamed even when i look at myself and see that i look good. its something u cant control anymore and its for this that i know now that i will never be able to see out of this mind again now that ive seen into it. even if i dont live my life starving or hurting anymore, i will always be able to see this disease from the inside point of view. And its like that with the outsiders too, they can never understand. this guy who mails me and says that nothing is worth it. facts and science wont change my emotions and my feelings. how i feel! unless he goes throuh it he will never ever be able to see it in the same lights that someone who suffers sees it. ppl like this try to be compassionate but its really just insulting. u will never be able to understand what i am feeling unless uve been there urself.
