Samstag

I wasn't online for some days but i come to my schulervz and someone send me this picture. Its from a priveat meassage so i dont know who the sender its but if it is someone who reads my blog now, thanku becos even if it is hard for me to belief this message, to make through trouble to send this picture to me, it means that u belief it. So i say thanku for beliefing in me :)

I write my blog in english now maybe sometimes becos my cousins want to read since i dont see them and phone them so much as my german friends and when my cousines speak no german it is not fair!!! And also ist better for my friends not from germany who speak not german too, it is easier to understand me!! My english is only like all my german friends english so they sholt understand all ok i hope! I am the youngest from everyone so i sholt the most shit english have from all :P

The only person who can not read it now is my mother. If i write in german my cousins and my english friends cant read, but if i write for her in polish then my german and english friends also cant read!! But most ppl but my mom speaking english and she told me to write in english becos what i write in my blog does not so important for her matter. She said my blog its for ppl who cant contact me so good and ppl i dont talk to everyday so they know what goes up here. But my

mom i speak with her each day on telephone and she knows every detail more than i want to write on here, so what she would read here she already does know lool :P

I have a friend here Isa :)

she doesnt eat, just like me so she is easy for get-along with. The good thing here is that ppl are more understanding. Ur friends dont argue and harase u over eating. If we go into town and we go to a Bakerei and i say "i dont want to eat today" they wont make a fuss just hug me and say "dont worry mackze, just small steps will get u there" and buy me something little and alkaline.

But my friend Isa shes 15 and lives from Berlin. This is cool becos from when i used to live in Berlin, i can remember things what she talks about and there is pictures in my head when she says "Alexplatz" or makes a joke about Kreuzberg.

She has a very expenisive camera and is also very good to making photos. She always asks if she can make a photo of me becos she said im too pretty to be forgotten but i wont let her do it yet. I cant let ppl take photos of me and especially not my face becos im not strong enouh for this yet

to take my hands from in front of my face when someone takes out their camera.

She knows how to do lots with production and she asked if she can take photos of my scars and make it emotive photography as a series. I know she wont do it to hurt me or do it to show ppl how disgusting i really am. I know she only does it to try new things with photography and if it will mean she learns more or can become better at something she loves doing, then it is not such a big deal from me is it?
I just dont know if im ready for it yet. Its been too many years that i have hidden from cameras and made myself feel everything but beutifule and i dont want that these photos hurt me all over again. I want to do it for her but i can feel that my heart wont take it :(

Lately its got better thouh. This phobia isnt so huge as it has been. I let ppl take photos when its not just me. When i have friends around me and i try to rember that the camera wont be there to hurt me this time.

Isa puts lot of photos from our clinic up. Becos its not so bad like it sounds here. Its not a sterilise and white scary building and its not an asylum. Her its a nice place where u feel happy and u feel safe becos the ppl around u only want to treat u well and help u to get better from stuff that has get u down in the past. Often we can go to partys. Becos theres ppl here who go to a normal school in the day, but spend the other time living at the clinic and so its not hard to make friends of ppl from outside the clinic who are from Rostock. I like the ppl here, the partys are fun and we have often theme where ppl dress up like this :)

In Dessau, a party is just about to get drunk and to get fucked by someone but here its not like that. U party to be with ur friends and to enjoy urself while u are still alive! It has been so many months since i have to hear "baby u look good, think u woult look better with my dick in ur mouth? Want to go?"

I am happy here and i feel like there isnt pressures i felt before.

I dont have to wake up any more every day knowing i have to go to a school where half of the ppl know that i suck dick or that i have scars on every skin on my thihs becos ppl show them videos or photos that i let ppl i trust, make a long time before now!
I miss my friends in Dessau but that life at school is something i never want to go back to! I thouht that would have to be how it is every day until i am old enouh to leave school and that i would get bullied and harased forever by ppl around me. But here its not like that! And my life doesnt have to be like that!! Im just human like everyone else and its not so much to ask that u can just treat me like im a equal!! That i breath and cry and feel just like everyone else can! I can get hurt just as easily as u can be hurt and u dont want me to hurt u so why do u think i want u to hurt me??

But it doesnt matter now! I dont have to go throuh that again. Here ppl let me start again and this time they let me live. They let me be free for the first time and allow that i can be happy

:3

I drawed this when i am in hospital. I wanted to scan to the computer my MRIs and xrays so i can show u how my body is right now but my mom said she doesnt want that i put stuff like that on my blog becos it is sad too look at. but i wanted to show so u know how it is so instead i drawed a picture. i tried to copy the xray so i get the right count of ribs and spines but there was too many spines so i got lazy and just drew it without counting the spines.

But this is also interesting becos my xray has u can see all the ribs i broke in april becos they are not healed together complettely and so on the xray there is brighter ink where the breaks are. but in my drawing i drew gaps but its not in real life gaps this big! just cracks now, but i drew it like this so it is easier to see.

So the blue is where each break is and u can see that in some ribs there is more than one break. The xray is from the back (u can see my shoulder bones) so u can see proprly where my spine all the breaks in my ribs are at the front but i just drawed them thisway so u can see it all in one picture!! On the right side u can see where there is a lot broken in one place becos this is where i hit the (bordstein) and so it shatered everything :( at the top there is purple ones but i forgot what the purple was supossed to mean :s (i remember now and this is the bones that came throuh my skin!! for this i have 3 marks on my chest) and the 3 purples and the blue is is where they broke into something called flail-chest where they are a free part from ur other ribs and it is very difficult to breath becos they often break into ur lungs and becos now they are not moving with ur other ribs when u do breath they are sitting on ur lungs, not eleveated like the other ribs. :/
Then at the bottom of my spine is where i have my fusions. The one in orange is the one i have already been completed. so where i have coloured two pieces of spine, it is now just one combined pice. The green is where the next fusion will be on 7st Dezember. It is likely that i will be in hospital for christmas but i dont worry so much becos at least i am in polend :)
The red part i draw is the infection. I shoult also have drawed in my stomach so u can see the releations but my stomach is just a bit higher than the infection becos the infection is in the bottom half of my stomach along the back (not inside it yet). And the drawing is stupid and not so easy to understand it becos it looks childish. but where i have drawed the red going into my spine, there is no longer there spine. That is why i did not draw the black outline like on the other spines. Everywhere where the red pen is in my spine, the infection eated all that bone.and so now there is just a hole and no bone there anymore :( but like i did say, it is hard to think of it when it is just a stupid kid drawing. the real MRI is so more sad to look at becos there is just no bone there anymore. Every other ppl have spines there but for me there is nothing, just bacteries :'(

I dont have an MRI from after they killed a lot of bacteries becos they did this over like two weeks and becos they monitored this every day they did not use MRI but ultrasound (lool i know :p) but for this they did not need to make pictures as i can not understand what is what in these pictures. but after two weeks the infection is less and that is very good. Becos even if u think the red is not so much it is!! becos all of that area is dead and this is so bad but lucky now it has less become. but it is not completely gone but enouh to just use pills to kill the infection instead or tubes in my stomach and tubes in my dick to drain the infection. (but i dont mean the infection is in my dick lool :p)

But i think i shoult stop writing now becos i write so much lool but now u can understand better how i go, and i go ok which is much more better than two weeks ago :)